Unwittingly The Other Woman
What counts as cheating has many different flavors. Some define it as the exchange of bodily fluids, some consider emotional attachment cheating. I’m not sure where my own line stands, but I know which side I want to stand on. Because three times in the last two years, to my own dismay, I’ve unwittingly been the other woman.
First was cheese guy or Boomerang Man. I suspected he was in a relationship when we matched on a dating app, so I asked many questions of him before we even met. He said he lived with a roommate who was weird, so we couldn’t go to his place. He got quiet when I asked about his last relationship, quickly redirecting to another topic of conversation. I realized when he moved into his own place - and had me over - that he was exiting a 10 year relationship, using me as the eject button. I’m ashamed to say I kept my flirtation up with him after that - I ended up in a situationship that nearly carried into a 3rd calendar year before I realized how disrespectfully he treated me.
The second was Blondie. Newly widowed and enjoying sleeping with both men and women, he couched the main woman in his life as his “primary partner.” Using the language of polyamory, he portrayed himself as emotionally available and smart - I loved talking shop with him. Just as my feelings started to grow, after multiple conversations about the importance of an emotional connection before having sex, he dumped me via text. He had decided to be exclusive with his primary partner, so “no more fun sleeping with women.” He thanked for me the “good time”. I have never been made to feel so cheap in so few words. I chalk that up to his journalism background. And I just saw him, back on the dating apps, looking for women….
Lastly is Dating Guy. When we met, he was single and after a few dates, he admitted that was a fairly recent development. He had been dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years because he was “actually poly” and wanted to have multiple sexual relationships, and she didn’t. He said they were still talking but not sleeping together and I liked him enough and felt that he was attentive to my emotional side that I went with it. A month or so later, after meeting a friend and spending 24 hrs together, he mentioned that he was, in fact, still sleeping with his ex. I had doubts, but he was consistent in wanting to see me, in treating me well, and communicating (despite his hatred of text). We spent four months seeing each other once a week or so, trying new restaurants, going to the beach, meeting friends and seeing movies. Just before Labor Day, he revealed that the ex girlfriend was ok with him dating other people as long as he didn’t parade them around in her circles, clearly coming around to the fact that he wanted to sleep with other people. I haven’t heard from him since then. It seems clear now that he used our connection to leverage his previous relationship into whatever he wanted. And ghost me when he was too cowardly to tell me himself that he was back together with his own “primary partner.” I have no doubt he will resurface, but he will find me unavailable when he does.
I am humiliated. I feel ashamed that I’ve let these men get away with treating me like this. I am embarrassed that I was complicit in them treating other women poorly. I am frustrated that despite all my attempts at vetting, at having upfront conversations about my expectations and needs, I am still sidelined, uncared for and dismissed without a second thought. I fantasize to the point orgasm about throwing a drink in each of their faces. I want all of them to rot in hell, to get what’s coming for them.
Now, all that is left is disappointment and rage. I’m not sure what my next step is, but I’m too angry to even think about it now.
