Box Theory on Feeld
I’ve had a number of interactions recently - both dates and messaging conversations - with men who treat Feeld as ‘Uber for Sex’. They are open about the fact that they are emotional unavailable, just looking for a “Friends With Benefits” situation, but still want experimental sex and a willing partner. They are on Feeld to specifically find casual sex partners and are not open to other arrangements. They have ‘situationship’ written all over their faces.
Good for them, but yikes. Couldn’t be me. Over time, I’ve found that I need an emotional connection with someone in order to want to have sex with them and find them attractive. There’s no one who is attractive to me without having a personality and emotional component (except maybe Oscar Isaac? And even then, half his appeal is his soulful acting and emotional depth). Specifically, I need to have that emotional support in order to feel safe enough to have those more experimental sexual experiences and dance around the edges of my exploration.
What I’m finding more and more is that as the other, mainstream dating apps atrophy in the minds of the public (especially single women), straight men have flocked to Feeld as a place that is ‘safe’ for them to find hook ups. To have the no-strings-attached sex that ‘fits into their lifestyle’ and doesn’t require them to actually put forth effort or emotional bandwidth. Truthfully, it’s not all the straight men. There are still plenty of them on Feeld who are open to exploring, looking for intentionality, and want emotional connection themselves. But it does feel like it’s getting harder to parse between those who are willing to be intimate and those are not.
Between the breakup with Blondie and a recent conversation with a midwesterner-turned-emotional unavailable New Yorker, it’s clear that some men subscribe to box theory: the idea that some women are just for hooking up and some women are just for dating/relationships. Once a woman is in one of these two ‘boxes’ for a man, she can’t swap to the other one. Blondie clearly thought that because we met on Feeld, I was a ‘hookup woman’ and did not take our connection seriously. When he broke it off, it was to take things further with the woman who was in his “relationship” box, whom he met on a different dating app. The midwesterner said he was “not on other dating apps, only on Feeld because I have needs but am not emotional available.” He also said something about gunning for a promotion at work, which…. what? Working for a promotion and being emotional available are not mutually exclusive. Clearly he sees the women on Feeld as not being picky, or maybe not needing the emotional connection. I appreciated his honesty, but it was disappointing. In my defense, it says clearly on my profile that I am demisexual (need an emotional bond to feel sexual attraction) and I’m looking for a long-term partner.
In the end, there are still plenty of men who do the reading, are emotional available and confident, and looking for a real relationship too. Maybe Feeld is still the perfect place to be sorting through the dirtbags to find the diamonds. If men feel comfortable enough that they can be honest about emotional unavailability without judgement, it should be ultimately easier to weed them out in the messaging stage.
Wish me luck as I continue to separate the wheat from the chaff.
