In Defense of the Mid First Date

In my many years of dating, I have gone on what feels like thousands of first dates. In reality, it’s somewhere north of 100 and below 500 but who’s counting? (Me, I’m counting, but that’s a story for another time). These many, many first dates have given me sufficient data on what a good first date is and similarly what a bad first date is. With both the good and the bad, it’s easy to figure out what comes next. If you’re excited, there’s a second date. If you’re bored, you make polite excuses and scurry home.

The ones that are hardest to parse are what I call the “mid first date.” It’s not bad, but it’s not great. Maybe you veered into talking about what tv shows you’ve watched recently too early (a clear indication of running out of things to talk about). Maybe the chemistry is lacking but the values seem to align (“good on paper”). Maybe both parties are shy.

There are a myriad of reasons a date can be “mid” but I’d argue, most of the time, it’s worth a second date. I think of my feelings for someone as a graph, raising and falling as I get to know them and see more of what I like (or don’t). And a mid first date is just a dot - there’s no trend line to show and no clear outcome.

Of course, of the mid first dates I’ve been on, sometimes the second date is a downward trend line. You realize they’re allergic to your cat or have an unreasonable dislike of something you hold dear. Maybe you didn’t notice how pushy they were about an issue, or discover that their politics are… not a fit. In all these cases, there was usually a gentle conversation afterwards that maybe we shouldn’t hang out again. Or better yet, the rare “mutual ghosting” which has happened to me recently (god bless that lovely man).

I recently went on a mid first date with someone, and following my own advice, we made plans to hang out again. I couldn’t be more pleased with our second date. No fireworks or rockets launching, but a nice guy who made plans, bought the movie tickets, paid for the drinks while I was in the bathroom (such a classy move), and was decent in bed. He’s not looking to be the top of my roster, and I don’t get the sense he wants that. But he is earning his keep and will get a coveted (and rarely handed out) third date.

Dating is data - on yourself, on the people you meet, on our culture. A mid first date is one of the few opportunities to lovingly collect more initial data and get a clearer picture of someone beyond our snap judgments and fast swipes. It may not always yield the highest dividends but it’s a viable path to a truer connection.

I’m not sure when I’ll see this Mid Man again but nice to have another data collection opportunity to look forward to.