Textual Chemistry
For better or worse, texting is a huge part of how we live our emotional lives these days. Everything from “good morning baby” to “fuck you, goodbye” can be said with your thumbs.
As dating apps came to dominate the romantic landscape, single people have had to develop a range of texting abilities. First, your app messages have to be interesting enough to garner interest from your match, but not so strong as to look like you’re trying (god forbid anyone show effort!). The standard “hey” or “how is your day going?” do not set anyone up for success. Then, the conversation has to flow somewhat. How quickly you respond, how far you can take “the bit”, how witty and funny you are can make or break the match. If you make it past those initial wordy hurdles, you’ll make it to the first date.
If that date goes well (not a given!), you are now in a fresh hell: figuring out the right textual chemistry. Cadence is a big part of it: are you texting all day, every day? Or just checking in every few days? Are you responding immediately or leaving someone on read? Tone is also important: are you having serious conversations? Or are you just flirting, talking nonsense? Finally, where is the texting going? How is this getting you two to the next date? And will that same chemistry be there in person?
I have developed both my own barometer for textual chemistry, as well as my own boundaries for it. I hate “in real time” texting for the most part - I never know how to end a conversation when I need to move on to the next IRL thing I’m doing. Even if I’m just sitting on the couch, I rarely respond immediately to any text - dating or otherwise. Likewise, if a man is not holding up his end of the conversation, I’m game to drop it. He needs to be asking questions too and bringing wit to the table. It’s a conversation, after all. A two way street.
Currently, I have two men on my roster who could not be more opposite in the textual chemistry arena. The casual dater is the ultimate low-frequency texter. He misses texts and doesn’t replay for 24 hrs sometimes. I’ll go days without hearing from him. If it weren’t for his clear in-person communication and his respectful intentionality, I’d have let go of him.
The other lives a few states away and I’ve never met in person - but the scandalous and random sexting brings me something I never knew I craved. I get attention and affirmation as a sexual person with zero risk and minimal effort. It’s weirdly gratifying to get his equivalent of “u up?” on a night where I’m sad about someone else. If it weren’t for his kinky connection, I’d have lost more ground in my self confidence over Blondie and Boomerrang in the spring.
All this to say: texting can not be too personal. Finding the right balance for now and later, to serve my interests and his, convey my evolving feelings (but not too much or too fast!) is a hard line to draw. But goddammit it’s nice to have someone to send memes to.
