Once Upon a New Mattress

A friend recently passed on some very timely advice: spend good money on anything between you and the ground.

The former ski instructor in me agrees, as ski boots, running shoes, snow tires and hiking boots have been among the easiest things for me to pony up big bucks for. Now, the time has come for me to make one of the most important purchases as an adult and I’m glad to have this advice to go with it: a new mattress. I spent serious coin on this new bed, and I can’t wait for it to be delivered later this week.

As I gear up for my new landing pad for intimate entertainment, I’ve been taking inventory on what my current mattress has gotten me through. It has moved across the country and lived in four different apartments since I first rolled it out of the Casper storefront 7 years ago. It was where I laid my head through the pandemic and a wide variety of heartbreaks. It was the first mattress I’d ever purchased and I didn’t know it at the time but it ushered in a new era of dating for me.

I tried to total up how many sexual partners had experienced it’s mediocre millennial memory foam - and was off by a factor of 2. I had to go back to my dating spreadsheet to get the correct data. Young, old, short, tall, blonde, brunette, and bald - this mattress has been witness to a wide variety of lovers. Maybe more importantly, it has seen me learn more about my sexuality, my preferences in bed, and my desired partnership. It’s seen in droughts and finish some of my best orgasms to date. It’s held me when I’ve crashed after a sex party or cried myself to sleep after a rough day. I’ve been through it with this mattress.

Part of me feels like this cornerstone of my sex life deserves a better send off than some sweaty delivery guys carting it off. But on the other hand, knowing when to quit and move forward is a sign of progress and maturity. I’m ready to put this mattress out to pasture and invest in the next phase of love life.