Clarity Is Not Comfort

I did it. I texted him. I broke the rules and The Rules when my curiosity got the better of me after a few too many white wines with a colleague. I couldn’t help it.

After seeing each other once a week or so for the duration of the summer, Dating Guy had gone radio silent for nearly a month, without explanation. Even for someone bad at texting, this was pretty unprecedented. Was I being ghosted? Did he lose his phone and my phone number? Was he in a coma???

I had to quiet my mind and get an answer - so I texted him. Simple enough: “Hey - I haven’t heard from you in a while. Are you ok?” And I waited.

I didn’t have to wait long until he replied. And while there were extenuating circumstances, there were no apologies, excuses or “how are you?”. There was only him feeling sorry for himself amidst a simple explanation that he was going through something difficult. That’s it.

I meditated on this response. How did I want to play this? What did I want from him now? I was still heartbroken from being shut out. His explanation didn’t change the fact that I had bawled my eyes out for a week. Shutting me out might have been acceptable for a week. But here we were, nearly a month after the inciting incident which caused his funk, and I had been the one to reach out to check in. I had to extend the olive branch, to conduct the wellness check, to face the music. He didn’t care enough about me to clue me in when things went wrong - and didn’t care enough about himself to ask for help.

I had been doubtful before texting him that I wanted to see him again if the opportunity arose. His response did not extend any sort of invitation to see each other. So I decided to be kind, give my apologies and support, and leave it. I replied I was sorry to hear that he was down. And nothing further.

Maybe unsurprisingly, I didn’t hear back. And I haven’t heard from him since. While he may resurface at some point in the distant future, when he has righted his life, I am not interested. The sticking point even early in the summer had been his lackluster communication - a necessary skill while navigating any relationship, let alone pursuing polyamory. This latest series of unfortunate events made it clear that his communication was just not good enough or mature enough to give me what I needed (let alone what I want!).

So I’m sad to bid goodbye to Dating Guy. We had an excellent connection. But I am thankful to be extracting myself before it got deeper, before my feelings really got crushed.

Yet another guy has squandered a baddie for no good reason except he couldn’t get out of his own way. It not comforting, but it is the truth.