Book Review: The Rules

I’m a smidge too young for the original run of The Rules, but of course know plenty about the discourse over the years. The impression I’ve always had is that this was anti-feminist drivel, relying on tricks and feminine wiles to trap a man into marrying. I happened to listen to If Books Could Kill episode on The Rules recently and unsurprisingly, it was the subject of derision by the two men (1 straight and married, 1 gay) who host the pod. Their analysis neatly summed up where The Rules stands today: an outdated guide to tricking a man into marrying.

So I was surprised and bemused when a friend bought me a copy recently. She’s a consummate Rules woman and claims this is how she’s ended up in multiple long term relationships with great guys, and is now happily married to the best one. In my heartbreak, I told her I’d humor her and read it. You never know!

What I discovered is that while The Rules itself may be passe, some of the core concepts resonate quite deeply in this day and age. The cardinal rule of The Rules is essentially “let the man chase you.” But the way that The Rules builds a universe around this concept is more modern, sharp, and in line with my own values than I’d have thought.

Whether it’s never calling him, never making a move, or never taking the lead, The Rules is a battle cry to “match energy” and maybe even match energy minus a bit, so you’re never the one bringing more energy or enthusiasm. I’ve found this to be very true in my own dating history, and when I “break the rules”, the men seem to tell on themselves not too long after by ghosting me or losing interest. So I hate to admit it, but maybe The Rules ladies are onto something.

One of the most infamous of The Rules is never accept a date for Saturday after Wednesday. No last minute dates, no “what are you up to today?”, no casual hangs. Surprisingly, this resonated very strongly with me. The tenor of a date planned in advance has always been better than a last minute invite, in my experience. The demise of my most recent connection is a perfect example - he started with picking up the tab while I was in the bathroom and getting movie tickets without my asking. It devolved to last minute, unplanned casual hangs when we were near each others neighborhoods and him texting less and less.

The other pillar of The Rules is to live your life! Be booked and busy, cultivate hobbies and a robust social life outside of dating. This is perfectly aligned with modern dating principles, and I’ve found that when I’m doing this for myself, I’m much happier (whether there is a man chasing me or not). The “keep busy” sentiment also has the goal of being more opportunities to meet new people, including eligible men. According to The Rules, cultivating a life outside of dating is more of a tactic to generate new dates, but it also fulfills anyone who needs to get off the couch and out of their apartment more. I confess that my own drive to build a busy life is sometimes motivated by meeting new people for the express purpose of dating, but it is pretty much always rewarding, whether I’m actually talking to new people or not.

All this said, there are some anarchisms and cringe-worthy sentiments in The Rules. First and foremost is that the holy grail of The Rules is marriage. I’ve not yet met anyone I would want to marry so I’m not sure marriage is my true north, and per The Rules, I’m probably missing the point of dating. There is also a lot of vague diet advice - which is not exactly wrong but feels icky. Men are generally more visual creatures than women, and “eat with their eyes first” so to speak. Being as hot as you can be is important in The Rules universe, and not something I’ve often felt confident to say about myself. Does that mean I’m undeserving of finding love? I don’t think that’s exactly what The Rules mean for us to take away from this rule, but it does leave an icky feeling behind. Maybe that icky feeling is just a hard truth setting in. My grandmother - who objected to me wearing jeans to accompany her to the grocery store - would probably agree with The Rules.

All in all, I’m glad to have read this book. While I may not perfectly adhere to The Rules, I’m taking away far more than anticipated from their guidance. The Rules are designed to create conditions so the man is always chasing you, rising to the challenge, and whether men admit it or not, they do seem to enjoy the chase more than they let on. Maybe the best way I can say it is this: The Rules aren’t wrong, so what am I going to do about it?

Be booked and busy and never text first :)

Overall: 6.5/10