What Counts As Good Behavior?

How do you know a Good Guy is a good guy? What parts of the way someone treats you matter to you, and which do you let go? And what does it say about you if someone deviates from the standard?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because someone I’m dating is perfectly attentive, engaging, and dynamic in person. When we are together, I feel respected and attractive, fun and delighted. When we are apart, it feels a cold fish. None of his personality comes through over text or phone. Texting is minimal, logistics only, and very quiet otherwise. When date what-when-where’s start firing up on the text chain, the most recent dates have been very last minute. It’s beginning to feel… too casual.

I’m also starting to catch real feelings. We’ve talked about it, but he has not voiced anything firmly on his end, though he has been supportive of my feelings. My spidey sense for a man growing comfortable with an arrangement that works for him is tingling.

In the past, when a guy has been ‘bad at texting’, does not tell me how he feels about me, and makes plans last minute, I took it as a clear sign that he is not into me. Maybe he’s keeping me warm in case something else falls through or likes me just enough to lead me on. I would make the same assumption here, except when we are spending time together, it feels really natural, calm, and really, really fun. He mirrors back my own enthusiasm for time spent together, and always seems to want to plan something for next time.

I keep asking myself: am I overreacting? Am I being silly for not speaking up? If I did ask him for something, what am I asking for? We’ve been seeing each other for a few months now, and there is a natural transition at this point. But where are we transitioning to? It feels a little like I’m moving into ‘second banana’ territory - a perpetually good backup option if other dates or plans fall through.

I haven’t figured out how to navigate this quandary - or even what I want from him. But I do think I’m asking sort of the right questions. Maybe I just need some concrete answers before I’m ready to figure out what comes next.