The Perks of a Gentle Breakup
Breaking up is, unfortunately, a substantial part of dating. The pairings that ended in tears and terse text messages far outweigh those that have lasted, at least in my experience. There was the man who took me out on my birthday and the next day, updated his Facebook relationship status to become exclusive with someone else. There was the jerk who lovebombed me for two months, asked me to move in, and then ‘forgot’ to breakup with me, who cheated on me while I visited my family for Thanksgiving and never called after. For much of my dating experience, I felt like I was mostly being dumped (or duped) as opposed to doing the dumping. It felt unkind and endless.
Most guys do come with some sort of perk, though. Almost all of them think it’s their sexual prowess, though someone should break it to them that we are often happy to leaving their bedroom performance behind. Usually, when things end with someone, you also give up the perks or benefits of dating them. No more good quality cheese from the cheesemonger, no more massages from the massage therapist, no more cuddling with a guy’s cute dog, and no more free drinks from the bartender (though it’s been ages since I dated a bartender, thank goodness). It’s part of the shedding that comes after each connection that dies. You lose the bad, but you also lose the good.
Recently, I went out on a few dates with a guy and his perks were quite clear: he works in theater and can hook his friends and loved ones up with cheap or free theater tickets. I’m a huge theater lover and could tell he was a good guy underneath all his nerves and nerdiness, so I persisted in trying to break him out of his shell for a couple dates. Loving theater is rare enough among straight men that I can’t let it go unnoticed, and owed it to my stage-loving sisters to see it through with him.
Sadly, the dates were pretty mid and it was clear to both of us that we weren’t a love match - we were two nice, friendly people who have a lot in common. (Well, not everything - he’s the ultimate cat dad and I’m a consummate dog person). So at the end of our second date, I insisted that we split the bill, since I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection. He was visibly relieved, and quickly agreed to being friends. Later that evening, as we bid goodbye, he made an earnest offer: if I ever wanted tickets to see the shows he works on, just ask. I was touched by his kindness and knew I was lucky to have met him, even if we didn’t hit it off. What a gentle breakup.
I wasn’t sure how earnest the offer was until I mentioned this to a friend, who prodded me to follow up. My former date’s response was pure kindness: he happily hooked us up with tickets and offered to give us a backstage tour after the show, too. So last night, my friend and I got world class seats to a highly regarded show, a full backstage tour (including bonking my head in the orchestra pit), and a good showing of friendship from a kind soul I met through the dating pool.
Not all breakups turn out this way, but man, it is nice to have a gentle breakup. And for once, I got to keep the perks.
