Fathers and Daughters

It was Fathers Day this weekend and I was thinking about John Mayer, as we all do on such a holiday. I credit Mayer with being a very talented musician and for the longevity of his career - though I can’t say I’d ever want to date him. No one who slut shames an ex by calling them “sexual napalm” is a good person in my book.

But the man knows how to throw bars, and Fathers Day always makes me think of his song “Daughters” - a song entirely devoted to begging men to be better fathers to their daughters. The song stands out to me in part because I can’t think of another mainstream piece of art or pop culture that so directly holds men responsible for “daddy issues”. The song was released in 2006, about the same time as How I Met Your Mother, where Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) uses women with ‘daddy issues’ as a punchline and a vulnerability to be sexually exploited.

“Daddy issues” is a funny thing - women get blamed for having the daddy issues and are held responsible for their behavior attributed to these ‘issues’, but men are rarely held accountable for causing them. It’s the father who perpetuated the cycle, and the girl who pays for it. Of course, this is just another part of the patriarchy, but that never feels like a satisfying explanation. A devastating cycle of society family dysfunction, continued in service of men’s sexual appetite. Ew.

Most of the time, I feel immensely lucky to have had the father I had. He’s not perfect, but he gave me many of the tools I needed to live a good life. As I’ve grown up and learned about other people’s fathers (and their flaws), I’ve become even more grateful for mine. Now, I’m lucky enough to watch my friends become fathers (and mothers) in turn. I’m so heartened to know there are amazing dads out there, raising the next generation of great kids.

Whatever your relationship is with your father, I wish you a peaceful day and a lot of love and support as your life moves forward.