Dating Strategies for a Post-App World
Whether you subscribe to the dead internet theory, the simulation theory, or just believe in fate (how old school!), there are a myriad of reasons to get off of dating apps if you’re single. While online dating has always promised a quantity-above-all-else strategy, the reality is that quantity alone does not solve the problem of finding a partner. Using an online method to find a real-world person is not necessarily more efficient. You still need to find a quality human that you connect with in order to find love. Sometimes quantity and quality align: I have a cousin and a number of friends who notoriously married the very first person they met on a dating app. But for many of us, endless sorting through online profiles has not yielded a deep, passionate relationship or connection.
I’m in my ‘summer of no dating apps’, and I’m finding it refreshing to be looking up into the world, instead of down at my phone screen. I’m encountering more and more people who have left dating apps, either temporarily or permanently, and are charting their own course through the dating pool. But because the dating world has been so dominated by apps for the last decade, the other ‘methods’ and strategies for meeting singles have largely fallen by the wayside. So we must go back to the ancient texts and revive the old ways.
Setups used to be the standard for our ancestors. I’ve only been set up twice in my life and it’s yielded mixed results. The first time, my bestie set me up with her coworker who was “the right amount of cute”. No sparks but we had a great time and he was lovely. The second setup ended with me being given unsolicited ‘feedback’ about my love life, 4 miles into an 8 mile hike - traumatizing, to say the least. (No blame is given to the matchmaker who remains a good friend). Unfortunately, setups are reliant on other people’s effort and engagement in my single-ness, so I’ve largely taken a pass on pushing for more. Potential matchmakers may be more reticent themselves if they believe the hype that dating apps are more efficient or better.
Direct and in-person seems to reign supreme, and I am no exception. I went through a period of asking men out after reading this article a few years ago. I loved what the author said about the statistical probability of finding someone great if you’re pulling from a pool of 100% people you find attractive. My results were mixed - I asked ~5 people on dates. I rarely (if ever) got a rejection, but I also did not end up with any dates. I still pine for the founder who I’d been crushing on for years: I worked up the courage to ask him out, he said yes, but scheduling snafus conspired to keep us apart. My efforts to ask men out did have one result that continues to live with me though: a man I met at a work dinner has harassed me online (very minor but still annoying and inappropriate) on every platform available for nearly 3 years after I asked him out once. Needless to say, I’ve become a bit more gun-shy since.
The last couple years I have been focused on one main in-person strategy: get out of my house. Meet up with friends, go to dinner solo, join communities, spend time in the park, talk to strangers, and volunteer. I try very hard to counter the idea that single women are solitary homebodies. Leaving home is a scattershot approach to finding love but it has helped me with overall mental health. Just engaging with other people - whether for romantic connection or not - has been hugely helpful for me to start rebuilding those pro-social muscles after COVID. My extraversion withered and shriveled during the pandemic, and for the first time since 2020, I finally feel like I’m back to living in the world. While it has yielded the occasional date, the flirting IRL has mostly been a bust.
Part of that is my fault though. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make her give out her number. It’s on me to practice pulling the trigger: actively and intentionally flirting with strangers I find attractive. It’s hard for a number of reasons: initiating a conversation with a stranger in public is intimidating; often, I don’t recognize an opportunity until the person is gone; I am notoriously bad at eye contact. But all of these issues can be overcome with time, practice, and patience.
The summer is unfurling in front of me, a road of opportunities I just need to reach out and grab it. Or at least, smile at - if I can just remember to look up.
