What to Say to the Merry-Go-Round
Some things have happened in the last few days. Things that will get their own post in time. But through it all, I just kept coming back to thinking about IG-Official-Jerk and his new lady love.
I keep being terrified of running into them. I went to dinner with friends under a cloud of paranoid caution, because I knew he liked this place. I thought I saw them walking in the rain in his old neighborhood. I ran through his new neighborhood, worried that we might cross paths. I almost cried. Again.
After the discovery of their social media official status, I blocked them both. On all platforms. Less for him (or her, she’s probably done nothing wrong), and more for me. I wanted to make it harder to ‘check in’ on him later. I don’t have to further inflict anything on myself. I needed to put up an obstacle to remind myself that I don’t need information about him. Ever again.
Now, I’m just left feeling mad, and mostly mad at myself. Mad for letting myself carry on with him, for letting my feelings suffer at the hands of diminishing hope, for letting myself down again and again. The problem now is that I keep letting myself down anew everyday when I am stewing over this 30 second survey of his social media from a week ago. It’s living rent free in my head, played on repeat. And it seems to be the only show in town up there.
When my head is going round and round and round like this, I never know how to stop it. I never know what to do or say or tell myself to put these masochistic thoughts down. What do you say to a Merry-Go-Round that won’t let you off?
I would like to say: it’s going to stop hurting. It will stop bothering you. It will be ok… eventually. I would remind this carnival ride gone wrong that it’s human to feel like shit. It also human to want to feel better. Writing helps. Friends help. Weed helps. Going on more dates helps in the short time, but can backfire in the long run (that’s the post that’s coming, I promise!).
But mostly, after nearly years of anguish, torment, uncertainty and sadness at the hands of this one undeserving man, I just want to get off the ride. I want to stagger away from this period of my love life and never look back. I want leave the carnival far behind.
I want peace.
