Future Talking

Relationship preferences can never be too personal. I’m a fan of the saying that one person’s trash is another’s treasure, and ‘don’t yuck my yum.’ I believe it’s true for dating as well - what you may find annoying or icky may be the very quality that someone else loves.

One such quality that I often think I’m in the minority on is future talking. Making hypothetical plans, talking about potential vacations or trips, and alluding to a future together before we’ve even established a present. That’s future talking. And to me, it’s a red flag. I should be clear: making plans and talking about the future is not off limits. But my spotty history with seeing those future events catalyze has made me very, very wary.

The guy I was dating when COVID began was a great example: on our second date, he spun up plans to go beach camping together (honestly, a dream of mine) and planned future dates. But as suddenly as the pandemic was upon us, he stopped answering my calls and texts. His lovebombing pulled back and communication became a vacuum. Needless to say, I never got the sandy sleepover under the stars that I wanted.

Another situationship evolved to talk about things he wanted to do in the future, but never included me in them. In his idealized life, he was hosting big parties, cooking elaborate meals, and curating a ‘salon vibe’ in his apartment. I was never invited to meet friends, attend a party, or be his sous chef for something fantastical. He saw his future so crisply, and somehow it didn’t occur to me that I was not in it until long after we split.

The last example was in some ways the hardest. He was a great guy, had ‘boyfriend material’ practically printed on his forehead, and was not overly aggressive or selfish at any point. But it took until our third date for me to realize: he had a lot of plans for the future that he had made, but was simply slotting me into the girlfriend position. He didn’t care who was in the role of his girlfriend, so long as the seat wasn’t empty. Across three dates, he had talked a lot about his knowledge and interests, but hadn’t really asked me anything about myself. He certainly didn’t seem interested in my own plans for the future - just how I could fit into his.

With all this in hindsight, maybe talking about the future is good. In all three of these cases, it exposed something that was at odds with my own story and plans. The future they spoke of was a red flag in green clothing, baiting me on while giving me some valuable information. But I can’t say it didn’t hurt when the future came crashing down - I still dream of a handsome man’s arms wrapped around me in front of a beach bonfire and falling asleep to the sound of ocean waves.

Now, I am wary, yes, of talking about the future. I listen very carefully to how a man talks about plans he wants to make, dates he wants to go on, and what he sees for himself in the years to come. But more than anything, this hesitancy helped to ground me in the present. I pay attention to the date I’m on, the here and now, and I don’t worry about what tomorrow looks like, until that sun peeks in through my window. The only solution to resisting the future talking trap is living in the moment.