What’s the Point of Dating Now?

I have to admit something - I never dreamed about my wedding. I didn’t plan what my bridesmaids would wear, I didn’t pretend to walk down the aisle with my teddy bear, and I didn’t covet a wedding dress at any point in my childhood (except maybe the Oscar de la Renta Spring 2013 Resortwear striped gown, which is not even a wedding dress). When I pictured the future (rare), it was more about work or where I would live. It was not about who I was married to or how many kids I had.

Now, I am staring down 40. I’m happily unmarried, happily childless, and happily living alone. So…. What’s the point of a relationship? I’m not looking for a father of my kids, and I’m certainly not looking for a roommate. I would say I’d like to build a life with someone but… I think I’ve already built a life for myself. I don’t need someone to contribute financially (though, of course, I’d happily take some money, please). I’m not sure I really have a need for a husband. I certainly don’t want to be someone’s trad wife. I’m not sure exactly what I should be looking for in a boyfriend and partner as a result of all the things I’m not looking for. So what’s the point of dating now?

As I think about this question, I’m starting to dip my toe into the polyamory. I’m intrigued - a community based on reworking the entire relationship structure has led me to start to define more concretely (less romantically) what it is I want from dating. I want someone to hang out with, talk to, do stuff with, and care about. The person I’m currently dating is a good hang, fun to hook up with, smart and funny, and focused on going in real dates. He doesn’t want that boyfriend/husband label. In a past life, I might be tempted to ask myself “is that enough?” but I keep coming up empty when asking myself “if I want more, what is it that I want?” Maybe all I need from my love life is this great friend and sex partner.

All these years of feeling like I wasn’t good enough for relationships, it never once crossed my mind that maybe I wasn’t broken or undesirable - maybe the paradigm wasn’t for me. So trying something new could very well help me sort through these questions, on my own terms.