Mourning a Crush and Confronting the Vacuum
So far, so Feeld! I have dove into the world of FEELD and so far, I’m into it. It’s an opportunity to be someone new, someone way more sexual and develop a side of myself that I haven’t explored before with such freedom.
The downside is that the men (at least in New York) on Feeld have been kinda a let down. The most attractive one has been Cheese guy - weird, tattooed, total Fuck boi. The shortest of drinks at a nearby bar to make sure he wasn’t a psycho, then between rounds at my place, he wandered around naked giving me design tips and telling me how I should redecorate my apartment. As you may know, I love a man who is in touch with his feminine side and has good taste. I was a goner.
It was enjoyable and I couldn’t tell if this had staying power or not. So I waited for more information, ever in my data collection mode. And of course, I caught feelings in between. He kept texting and being cute! I couldn’t help myself. This was also right before I spent a month in Europe. He spent that month Snapchatting me every single day. Not just sexy shit but normal life shit too. I bought him a present in Europe ($2 Dutch cheese in a funny tube), even though I am decidedly not a gift person.
When I got back, it took a month for us to sync up again. I sent him a video (that he claimed to not hear), being direct about wanting to see him and get to know him better. I showed my cards. Last night was finally the night that we came back together. And it was fun - for a while. He’s great in bed - made me come many times. We got down and dirty all over the apartment and properly soaked a few textiles. In between, we chatted naked for two hours, just making drinks and shooting the shit.
I realized when we hung out the second time that he only talked about himself. He didn’t really ask any questions about me or show any interest in getting to know me. His aftercare also sucked. He barely touched me, definitely didn’t want to snuggle, and left as soon as he could after the second round.
He turned out to be a jerk who just wanted to use me. The signs were there before hand, I guess. And I definitely let myself catch feelings, indulge the crush, build up the fantasy (he could have been the stay-at-home dad who has a creative streak and makes me more sensuous and sexy well into middle age). I knowingly let myself go a little outside my comfort zone in falling for him and letting him know. I was just a sex pit stop on the way home from work.
So I’m disappointed. I’m really feeling the vacuum that comes from a crush dying, the mourning of the potential and the heights my feelings could have gone to. I’m not sad about the guy - I’m sad about what I think I missed out on. It had also been years since I had a good, solid, stab-my-in-the-heart crush, so the vacuum is almost welcome.
Between therapy and TikTok, I’m focused on processing and fully feeling the emotions that this situation brings. Do I wish they weren’t so sad and negative? Of course. But it’s better to have crushed and lost than to never have gotten laid.