After weeks (months!) of agonizing, I’ve decided to break it off with The Cheese Guy. He is fun as hell and the sex is amazing - but it’s not what I’m looking for. I want that emotional connection too. Actually not just “too” - I want that emotional connection! Period. That is what I date for - to feel the connection to someone else (while getting to third base).
I am allowed to date for sex too, but once that was met, I was craving the personal connection. And he was fun! That personal connection was there, in some format. Texting daily for six months will do a lot to move that forward, whether it was intentional or not.
My three checkboxes have always been sex, fun, and values. That was my issue last year - Schlomo was just sex, Cali Cool Guy was the fun, and Eli was values. It is hard to turn down someone who I get 2/3 from, especially with my checkered past.
But I deserve all three. I deserve to have someone who can at least give me the fun and emotional connection. The sex is important but it’s also a skill that can be worked on (within reason - looking at you, Pizza Guy). So goodbye to Cheese guy.
I’ll be honest and say - I made this decision, but I haven’t done anything about it. I haven’t messaged him to say goodbye. I haven’t be straightforward with him. I have not summoned the courage to stand my ground.
I’ll acknowledge my faults - if he texts me, there is some likelihood that I’d be down to hang out and hook up. A secret part of me hopes that if I give him this ultimatum of “date me or we are done”, that he’d choose me. I know he won’t. I know both because of who he is and who men are. But damn - just a little hope really does keep you alive doesn’t it?
Maybe that’s really where I am now - in a persistent state of starved hope. Just enough hope to keep me alive, but never enough to feel safe or satisfied.