Love Is Not Just Hooking Up

After weeks (months!) of agonizing, I’ve decided to break it off with The Cheese Guy. He is fun as hell and the sex is amazing - but it’s not what I’m looking for. I want that emotional connection too. Actually not just “too” - I want that emotional connection! Period. That is what I date for - to feel the connection to someone else (while getting to third base).

I am allowed to date for sex too, but once that was met, I was craving the personal connection. And he was fun! That personal connection was there, in some format. Texting daily for six months will do a lot to move that forward, whether it was intentional or not.

My three checkboxes have always been sex, fun, and values. That was my issue last year - Schlomo was just sex, Cali Cool Guy was the fun, and Eli was values. It is hard to turn down someone who I get 2/3 from, especially with my checkered past.

But I deserve all three. I deserve to have someone who can at least give me the fun and emotional connection. The sex is important but it’s also a skill that can be worked on (within reason - looking at you, Pizza Guy). So goodbye to Cheese guy.

I’ll be honest and say - I made this decision, but I haven’t done anything about it. I haven’t messaged him to say goodbye. I haven’t be straightforward with him. I have not summoned the courage to stand my ground.

I’ll acknowledge my faults - if he texts me, there is some likelihood that I’d be down to hang out and hook up. A secret part of me hopes that if I give him this ultimatum of “date me or we are done”, that he’d choose me. I know he won’t. I know both because of who he is and who men are. But damn - just a little hope really does keep you alive doesn’t it?

Maybe that’s really where I am now - in a persistent state of starved hope. Just enough hope to keep me alive, but never enough to feel safe or satisfied.