Is It Too Late for True Love?
I had dinner with an old friend last night. He and I have both been on the dating merry-go-round a long time. We’ve also been friends long enough that I know his patterns well. He’s the kind of guy who is almost always in a relationship, but rarely seems satisfied.
His current girlfriend is no exception. He likes her, they get along, they are generally aligned on lifestyle and goals. “But I’m just not in love with her,” he told me. He couldn’t pinpoint a specific reason - he just knew he wasn’t in love.
What’s more, he had had a conversation with her about it, and she expressed the same sentiments. They cared for each other and enjoyed each others company, but they were decidedly not in love. At the six month mark, they are currently deciding whether to stay together or not. A question that is incredibly hard to answer when the relationship can be described as “fine”.
Over flatbread pizza, he and I mused about whether love is real, whether having a deep, passionate relationship is even possible at this point in our lives. I’ve been asking myself this question a lot: were the maniacal, passionate feelings I felt when I was younger just hormones? Youthful ignorance? Where does limerance fit into this? Is it too late for true love?
I’d argue that the last few times I’ve felt giddy and crush-y on a man have mostly been either toxic or devoid of real experience with the person. So I wondered with my friend if having these feelings of “being in love” is actually a sign of a bad relationship. Something built more on the addictive feelings and dopamine rushes than an actual foundation. He didn’t know either. As we swallowed the last drops of our drinks, we commiserated in feeling so unclear about such a big question.
By the end of dinner, we agreed on this: falling in love is still possible. That feeling is out there - of safety, of knowing someone, of feeling excited. He is lost among the forest of his constant relationships. My instruments have been blunted the latest round of emotional terror. We are both tired from our long journeys looking for love.
But there’s a way forward for both of us: keep searching and don’t settle. Modern life has presented me with the opportunity to live alone, support myself, and have a healthy, thriving social life without falling in love. Why not take advantage of everything else that life has to offer while I wait? We both see many of our friends in stable, healthy relationships with partners they are crazy about. It does seem that not settling has some rewards, if you’re willing to stick it out.
Maybe sadly, this conclusion is reminiscent of a conversation he and I had three or four years ago. Our frustrations with the passage of time and growing older were also a big theme of our dinner. But clearly our journeys are not over. And it’s nice to have friends along the way.
