Ghosts of Lovers Past

It’s normal to have a type. Mine is typically brunette, preferably European, emotionally communicative, and crazy about me. Have I ever actually met this person? Not really. But brunette is a leading indicator of my interest.

I bring this up because I met a blonde. A blonde I’m afraid I already like. We’ve been on one date. We slept together. He has not texted me today. Not that he has to, but I am scared to text him first. I am scared to be interested.

I am scared for a few reasons. First, he already has a primary partner, a woman. I’m walking into a situation where I’m already second banana. Which brings me to my second fear: he reminds me of Patient Zero. Part of it is this blondeness, partially he is smart and kind and seems like a good human. But part of it was how comfortable I felt with him. The conversation was so easy.

The trap is not the man. He’s fine, he’s probably just going about his life, wishing it was less complicated (don’t we all wish for that?). The trap is my brain, which will now proceed to ascribe the specter of him with all the positive attributes I love in myself and in Patient Zero.

I have spent so long trying to hate Patient Zero that I forgot how amazing it felt to connect with someone like that, so quickly. How seen I felt. How high I felt with his attention and vulnerability. He gave shape and substance to feelings that had previously been emotional vaporware.

More than a decade ago, I wrote an imaginary conversation between myself and “PZ”, to give myself the opportunity for closure and move on. It was especially potent because there are things in there I know I would never have the courage or strength to say to his face, even now. But maybe I need to revisit it.

Maybe it’s time to grieve. I’ve never grieved our connection because I was embarrassed that my most significant romantic feelings for a man were basically unconsummated and unreciprocated. I buried myself in yearning for something new for years.

Now I can grieve. If things fall apart with this new guy, I can use the heartache as a platform to truly say goodbye and part ways with the embarrassment, shame, and vulnerability of Patient Zero’s connection to me. Finally let the talons unclench from holding this garbage in my heart.

In the mean time, I need to manage my brain. I want to break the limerance cycle. I want to be my own person and discover this new person with fresh eyes. I want to experience a newness and the difference that this unique person brings to the world. Wish me luck - if I were able to break the cycle, it would be a first.