When it Rains, it Pours
It has been a crazy week - my first nephew was born, I went on an incredible first date, got dumped by the last of my Boys of Summer and closed on my first apartment, . And honestly - even the dumping was a validating and enjoyable experience.
First - my new nephew. A year ago, I think the birth of my nephew might have shaken me up. In fact, I reread some writing I did at that time recently and realized how much I was worried about my biological clock and getting married. I felt the pressure, I felt like a failure, and I felt adrift with where my life was going in comparison to everyone else’s. But over the last year, it’s sort of like a series of dominoes fell to reveal a life that is more truly mine and that I am more confident in. It’s weird that as I’ve centered myself more, I’ve found deeper love for everyone in my life. And so when the nephew came, I was immediately just so happy! And fell asleep thinking about him and loving him and getting excited to hold him. It really surprised me. Babies! Maybe I love them!
Then I went on this amazing date, as previously mentioned, but R Bar kinda dropped the ball afterwards. I decided to be straight forward and tell him I had a good time and ask him to hang out again. Then he didn’t respond for 26 hours! After being super responsive for a week, zilch. I spun about it for a day and lost my mind as I always do. So I just decided to distract myself and try to let it go. I fantasized about Tour Guide and swiped on Bumble and reached out to Schlomo (the last one standing of the Boys of Summer). I decided to retake the narrative. When R Bar responded, I was able to be my normal self, joking around and trying not to worry much about the outcome. If he’s into me, great. If he’s not, that’s his problem. We had an objectively great time, so his not responding truly could be because he is busy or something that has nothing to do with me. If it’s not that - if it’s because he met someone else or isn’t attracted to me - that’s fine. He did finally reply, complimenting me and wanting to hang out again. And then went radio silent again. So we are just gonna see! This is the ambiguity that I need to settle with for anyone, not just this guy. I’m leaning into it to the best of my ability.
I reached back out to Schlomo to distract myself from R Bar and also to get laid. Initially, he said “let’s check in next week.” But then he came back this morning and said that he had to end things because he is taking a break from dating. He needs to figure his personal life out and work on himself. He gave me some nice compliments and it sort of made me smile and laugh. It was really sweet and thoughtful. I had known it wasn’t a long term thing from the beginning. But damn I did want to sleep with him again! No truer way to feel alive than to put yourself out there and get nothing back. This is living on the edge.
Finally - I closed on my apartment! It felt amazing to finally achieve a personal goal of being a homeowner. But of course, this is a milestone that I always assumed I would reach with a partner. The whole search-and-purchase process was surprisingly zen (especially for New York City real estate). I didn’t really feel the lack of a partner during the search. One of my main criteria was to find an apartment that was both small enough to be manageable by myself and big enough to fit two people (or two people and a child, if we are really getting ahead of ourselves). As I signed all the paperwork, I was nostalgic for the picture of buying a home I had when I was younger, which relied heavily on a partner. I felt better about my decision to move ahead independently when I realized part of the reason the sellers were selling was because they were getting divorced. Maybe this is how it was supposed to happen all along. I feel more myself and more confident about it than I was expecting. And all because I spent a shitload of money on my own volition. I’m sure it will sink in more when I move in but for the moment, it feels very cool and still sort of remote.
There are months where nothing in my personal life seems to move forward (or make any motion). And then there are weeks where everything happens at once. Our lives are not linear - maybe more of a 4-dimoensional roller coaster? - but man, when it rains, it really pours.