Peaks and Valleys

I had a real peak, a flare up if you will, on a dating app the last few weeks. I went on dates with two guys, had a near miss on a booty call, and somehow acquired not one but two sexting buddies.

Once you dig into the stats of the outcomes, the ‘peak’ becomes a valley. One of the two guys is more friend zone than anything, but probably won’t go any further. We’ve sort of mutually ghosted each other. The booty call unmatched me when I couldn’t meet him. One of the sexting buddies is nine states away with little chance of IRL consummation.

With all the flurry of activity, I never stop to wonder where I am in the cycle. I already know how the story ends. It’s just a few short weeks (maybe days), until the cycle is complete, and all these boys have scattered to the wind. I’m left feeling a little crack in my heart and the ghosts blowing around inside. And I have to start at square one again.

This one might hurt a little bit more: the one date that did pan out [Ghosts of Lovers Past], he comes with some baggage, including a primary partner (who is obviously not me). I have never dated anyone who was poly before because I didn’t think I was up for that journey - the jealousy, the insecurity, the wondering where I stood. But he is interesting enough that I might be willing to dip my toe in.

But like all dating apps - I can’t tell if he felt the same. Did he feel the energy between us? Did he think I was special (in a good way)? Was I worth venturing forward on? We didn’t really text much the next few days and I was nervous I literally wouldn’t hear from him again. Maybe I’m still nervous I won’t see him again.

I can’t get a read on him but I’m trying to make sure I can get a read on myself. I am trying to stick my flag in the ground, clearly communicate my feelings (within the realm of not being crazy), and be ready to let it all go if I don’t get something back.

For the first time in a long time, I am standing confidently in my own sexuality, in my feelings, in my own life. Maybe I can’t read which way another person’s wind blows, but I can sail my little boat away from the peaks and valleys, towards the horizon of my own happiness to the best of my ability.